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So, you want to become a minimalist. You’re ready to chuck out 90% of what you own. Ok, maybe just declutter your house. If you’re in a relationship and your partner also caught the minimalism bug, you may end up going ultra minimalist, building a tiny home, or trying out the #vanlife lifestyle. But what if your partner is not as interested in the idea of decluttering as you are? What if they’re even kind of a hoarder? Believe it or not, that doesn’t have to prevent you from living your clutter-free dreams. Read on for some practical tips about how to become a minimalist when your partner is not.
If you’ve made it here, I’m guessing you’re the kind of person that’s bothered by clutter. That longs for simplicity and ease. But those of us on that side of the fence have to remember that some people are more bothered by clutter than others. If your partner genuinely doesn’t care, you can’t force them to become a minimalist. But you can still embrace minimalism and declutter your life. Here’s how.
What Not to Do
Let’s start with what not to do when you want to become a minimalist and your partner doesn’t. The ideas below may tempt you, but ultimately, they’ll backfire.
1. Don’t throw their stuff out
When you’re on a decluttering tear, thriving on your own momentum as you dig through your house, it can be incredibly tempting to get rid of some of your partner’s clutter. Maybe you know for a fact that they haven’t used a certain pair of shoes in 10 years, and you’re positive they won’t miss them. Well, you may very well be right. But I still advise you to resist the temptation.
In Marie Kondo’s book, The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up, she talks about her childhood, when she was already obsessed with decluttering. After clearing out her own room, she went for other rooms in the house. That made her extremely frustrated with her family and especially a communal storage closet filled with what she saw as junk. She’d ask her family members about getting rid of items in the closet and they’d reply that they needed the item or that they’d get rid of it themselves…someday. Fed up with the clutter, she began stealthily getting rid of the most dust-covered items in the closet. Most of the time, she admits, no one noticed. But as the closet’s clutter started to thin, she began getting questions.
In retrospect, I must admit that I was pretty arrogant. Once exposed, I was met with a flood of reproach and protest, and in the end, I was forbidden to tidy anywhere but my own room…. Although such stealth tactics generally succeed and the items discarded are never missed, the risk of losing your family’s trust when you are caught is far too great.
Ultimately, you want to build trust with your partner. Even though you’re into decluttering, you’re not forcing them to do anything. That’s obviously better for your relationship and for reducing conflict. But another benefit will be that they’ll feel safe in the fact that you’re not trying to change them, and counterintuitively that may make them more open to the idea of decluttering at least a few things.
2. Don’t make them help you declutter
If your home is full of clutter, the initial decluttering process can be long and exhausting. It will be tempting to ask your partner to help you out. Who wants to be knee-deep in trash while their partner relaxes in front of the TV?
But even if you convince them to help you out, it will backfire. Think about it from their perspective: They don’t mind clutter, or maybe they even love to hoard stuff. They certainly don’t want to do a bunch of work on a weekend to get rid of it. They’ll likely dig their heels in and increase their resistance just out of annoyance.
If you want to declutter your things, go for it. But remember that unless and until your partner gets on board, it’s your passion project, not theirs.
3. Don’t nag them about getting rid of things
You may think you’re encouraging your partner to declutter in a positive way, but if they’re not interested, it’s going to sound like haranguing. And similar to the point above, it will only make them defensive.
I’ll give an example from my early decluttering efforts. Surveying the kitchen, I told my husband that we should get rid of all the junk we don’t use, and one example was a cooking implement that’s used traditionally in his country of origin. Understandably, he got defensive and shot back that it’s not junk. And of course he’s right – that cooking implement has a use. I didn’t mean that it was inherently a “junk” object. It’s just that no one in our household cooks traditional food from his culture, so in our case, it’s taking up space in a cupboard without providing any value to us.
So, learn from my mistakes and watch how you talk about your partner’s things. The ending of that story is that we still have that device on the top shelf of a cupboard, we still don’t use it, and that’s fine! You don’t need to achieve a perfect zen state of owning less than 100 items in order to be a minimalist. If you’re in a relationship, you’re going to need to make compromises. Remember that, for whatever reason, your partner’s clutter may be important to them. Talk respectfully about it and you’ll have a much better chance of achieving your overall goals.
4. Don’t ask them their opinion about your own stuff
Now, a lot of what I said above is about respecting your partner’s stuff. But that doesn’t mean that you need to ask them to chime in while you’re doing your own declutter. Even if you’re an aspiring minimalist, you’ll have moments of hesitation while you go through the process of sorting through things to discard. It’ll feel natural if your partner is nearby to ask them if they think you should get rid of it.
But…don’t do that. First of all, if your partner tends toward keeping clutter, you know what their answer will be! They’ll advise you to keep whatever it is “just in case.” It’s hard enough to battle with your bad reasons you hold onto junk without inviting other opinions into the mix. If the item is yours and not your partner’s, just discard it. In fact, you probably want to get rid of your stuff as quickly as possible, so your partner doesn’t have time to look through your “discard” piles and make comments about how you actually look really cute in that hat you bought 8 years ago but never wore.
One of Kondo’s tips, in fact, is “don’t let your family see” what you’re decluttering. She tells a story of helping a client, “M,” to declutter her room in a house she shared with her mother. After they had piled up 15 bags to things to discard, the client’s mother came in to bring them some iced tea:
At that moment, her eyes fell on the pile of garbage by the door. “Oh my, are you going to throw that away?” she said, pointing to a pink yoga mat on the top of the pile.
“I haven’t used it in two years.”
“Really? Well, maybe I’ll use it then.” She began rummaging through the bags. “Oh, and maybe this, too.” When she left, she took not only the yoga mat but also three skirts, two blouses, two jackets, and some stationery.”
When the room was quiet again, I sipped my iced tea and asked M, “So how often does your mother do yoga?”
“I’ve never seen her do any.”
So, when you declutter, close up the bags and boxes of things you’re discarding and get rid of them efficiently. If they’re your things, you don’t need permission from your partner to discard them.
What To Do – How to Become a Minimalist When Your Partner Isn’t
1. Lead by example – Declutter your stuff
Above, we went through all the reasons you should leave your partner’s stuff alone. But you should absolutely declutter your own stuff! Even if your partner makes no changes at all, your life can become much simpler just by decluttering your wardrobe and your beauty routine.
Your partner may not be interested in minimalism in theory. But they’ll see how much better your side of the closet looks and how much easier your life is, and they may change their mind.
I remember when my husband and I first moved into our condo, we jockeyed for the limited closet space and bickered about who was taking up more. After decluttering my wardrobe and my stuff in general, my husband quickly noticed and commented on the fact that there’s no longer any issue with shared storage space.
Going back to Marie Kondo’s story above about throwing out her family’s junk, she follows it with a better idea:
o quietly work away at disposing of your own excess is actually the best way of dealing with a family that doesn’t tidy. As if drawn into your wake, they will begin weeding out unnecessary belongings and tidying without your having to utter a single complaint. It may sound incredible, but when someone starts tidying it sets off a chain reaction.
2. Talk about the benefits of minimalism
If you’re on board the minimalism train, it’s probably because you’ve read books or online content about the benefits of minimalism. And that convinced you to take the plunge. Assuming your partner hasn’t read those things, go ahead and summarize what you’ve learned.
Obviously, you shouldn’t drone or lecture them. But sharing a few key points when they ask why you’re pulling all your clothes off the hangers will help them understand your motivations for this lifestyle change.
A general rule I follow is that I don’t bring it up unless my husband asks. For example, he recently asked me while putting clean socks away, “Ok, you’re the organization expert with the blog – what’s the best way to organize my sock drawer?” I told him that the secret to having an organized sock drawer is to not own 50 pairs of socks. He laughed, but that weekend he threw away tons of worn-out socks he’d had for a decade without any urging from me.
3. Encourage them to make a “maybe” discard box
If they are interested in decluttering but just don’t want to be pressured, encourage them to set aside some things in a “maybe” pile. Agree that they don’t have to throw anything away right now. Then commit to getting rid of it if they don’t miss anything in the box within a set timeframe – say, 3-6 months. This is a great way to dip your toe into minimalism, as it really becomes clear that there’s so much stuff in your house that you don’t need and won’t miss. The best way to accomplish this is to keep the box closed and avoid opening it before taking it to the trash or a donation center. That way, you’re not tempted to retrieve anything. But leave it up to your partner what they want to do.
4. Declutter some shared items, but don’t get rid of them right away
So far in this post, I’ve strictly delineated things that are yours (which you can declutter) and things that are your partner’s (which you should leave alone). But if you cohabitate with someone, there are a number of things in your home that are shared. My recommendation for those is to place a box in an agreed-upon spot in the house for shared things you want to declutter. As you declutter, place the shared items in that box instead of discarding them right away. Then set a timeline for when you’ll discard things in the box. For example, they may have a month to look at the box and reclaim anything they consider important. You’ll find that they mostly won’t care enough to go through the box, but this way no one can say you made a unilateral decision.
5. Go ahead and declutter communal things you know they don’t care about
I know I said above that you should never declutter your partner’s things for them. But what about things in communal spaces? In my opinion, you can go ahead and declutter things that you know your partner doesn’t care about.
In my home, I manage our kid’s clothes and toys, as well as groceries. I’m the one who shops for those items, and I’m also the one who declutters them as needed. If I asked my husband if we should keep my son’s shoes that he’s outgrown or an expired pantry item, I’m sure he’d come up with some reason they should stay in a closet or cabinet “just in case.” But I also know that he’ll never notice or care if I go ahead and get rid of them without his permission.
So, if you know for a fact they won’t miss any of those things, just go for it – don’t try to get a consensus.
6. Speak their language
If you’re reading this post, it’s because you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t particularly care about clutter and is not inspired to be a minimalist. So, don’t focus on that aspect. Think about what your partner does care about and work that angle.
For example, if your partner cares about cleanliness – or alternatively, hates housework – explain how being minimalist will make cleaning so much easier. Or say they care about aesthetics and interior design. In that case, show them examples of beautiful minimalist rooms. If they care about money, get them on board to stop buying junk by explaining the benefits for your savings account rather than emphasizing the clutter aspect.
There are so many benefits of minimalism in all areas of life. It’s guaranteed that one of those areas will be important to them.
7. Make decluttering easy for them
Look, no one wants to be assigned extra work in their household. That’s a fact! If you’re into decluttering and your partner isn’t, don’t try to task them with dropping things off at Goodwill or managing sales on Facebook Marketplace. Since you’re the one with the motivation, you should take the lead. Once your partner sees how easy you make it look, they may be more inclined to participate.
Many people can even be so intimidated by the idea of finding places to sell, donate, or recycle their clutter that they can’t take the first step of decluttering. Make it clear to your partner that if they declutter anything, you’ll manage discarding it appropriately. (For help with this, see my guides for selling, donating, and recycling clutter.)
8. Agree to give each other experiences rather than gifts for special occasions
Minimalism isn’t just about decluttering things you already have. If you want to become a minimalist, you also want to change your habits so you don’t accumulate clutter again. One way to cut down on this in a relationship is to change how you handle gifts.
Early on in our marriage, my husband and I agreed we wouldn’t buy each other gifts for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s/Father’s Day, and Christmas. Instead, we plan a special experience that we can do together. This could be a meal at a restaurant, a “date day,” a couple’s massage, or even a vacation. I’m so glad we both agreed to that because it saves me from gift shopping several times a year, which costs time and money. Instead, we get extra quality time together on these special occasions. And a bonus is that we’re not accumulating clutter through all these gifts.
9. Agree on where they can keep their clutter
While it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to become a minimalist and get rid of most of their stuff, it’s within reason to request that they keep it out of the way. If your dream is to have a clutter-free living room to entertain in for example, that’s possible even if your partner keeps everything they currently own. Now that you’ve decluttered so many of your own things, there will be extra space in closets and cabinets. Ask your partner if they’re willing to store some of the things you consider clutter in a designated space. That way, at least clutter is not stressing you out in rooms where you’d prefer to relax.
You can offer to help your partner organize their stuff. If they want to keep a collection, for example, support them in finding a way to organize it so it doesn’t look like clutter. An example from my home is my husband’s record collection. Personally, I would take a more minimalist approach to music – storing and playing it digitally. But he loves his record player and collecting records. Our compromise was to get a nice-looking record cabinet where the player and records can be displayed. Now the records are a design feature instead of a pile of clutter.
10. Be patient
Some of you probably learned about minimalism, immediately got the bug, and started throwing things out. Believe it or not, I didn’t. I had a few failed attempts before I took the plunge. And now I’m all about it!
Everything in our culture urges us to consume – to buy as much as we can afford and store it all up in the biggest house we can get. Minimalism goes against all the consumerist values we’ve been indoctrinated with since birth. It’s completely understandable that your partner would balk at the idea of simply throwing possessions away.
All that to say, give your partner time. They need to get used to the idea. Over time, they’ll also observe the changes in your life as you implement the minimalist philosophy. As they start to benefit from clutter-free shared spaces, they may surprise you by catching the bug as well.
What Do You Think?
Are you a minimalist with a partner who isn’t? Have you tried any of the tips above? Is there anything that has worked for you? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
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Minimalist Mindset: How to Go Beyond Decluttering to Become a Minimalist
10 Unexpected Things that Happened when I Became a Minimalist
How to Declutter for Good: 10 Bad Reasons You Hold Onto Junk
