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In this post, we’re going to explore the Enneagram 3. For more information about the Enneagram and how personality typology can help us choose meaningful goals and live a more intentional life, please check out my first post on the Enneagram 1.
My intention with this series on what the Enneagram types need to let go is to demonstrate how our minds collect “psychic clutter” – unhelpful beliefs, habits, and thought patterns. I write a lot about minimalism and clearing material clutter on this site. But it’s even more important to clear this mental and emotional clutter.
If you don’t know your Enneagram type, you can take a test. However, I encourage you to also read about all the types and see which ones resonate. An online test can help you narrow down types you most likely relate to, but you’ll only discover your type through a bit of soul-searching.
If you think you might be an Enneagram 3, read on below for what psychic clutter you can clear for a more authentic life.
Who Is the Enneagram 3?
Before getting into what Enneagram 3s should let go, let’s briefly dive into what drives this type. For a deeper analysis, you can read more detailed guides like this one.
The Enneagram 3 is commonly called “The Achiever.” And boy, do they achieve. So, what’s the problem with achieving?
Well, the Type 3’s primary motivation is to impress others and get validation. They believe this will make them feel valuable. Like Enneagram 2s and 4s – others in the “heart” triad – they feel, deep down, that they lack worth. While 2s manage this by helping others and becoming vital to them, 3s manage it by gaining widely accepted markers of success. These could be money, titles, fame, advanced degrees, trophies, physical beauty – anything viewed as desirable by most people.
The positive side of the Enneagram 3 is obvious – they often serve as role models, and their success inspires others. They become the best at what they do, and that hard work generally benefits others as well. They don’t hide their talents – they shine their light for all to see.
The negative side is also somewhat predictable. Type 3s push themselves to succeed at whatever others’ value. Instead of pursuing what genuinely brings them joy, they put energy into whatever others view as most impressive. While the accolades provide a rush of satisfaction, ultimately, they’re not authentic. So, they won’t truly fulfill the Type 3, who will continue to privately feel worthless. The more they succeed in their “accepted” arenas, the further they move from their authentic selves. And the more they achieve, the more pressure they feel to keep performing.
While Enneagram 3s on the surface appear to be “winning” at the game of life, the dark side is immense pressure distance from their true selves.
What Do You Need to Let Go as an Enneagram 3?
The description of the Enneagram 3 above paints a picture of someone with many positive qualities but also quite a bit of psychic “baggage” that weighs them down. If you’re an Enneagram 3, you won’t initially want to hear the message that you should work less hard be less impressive. And that’s understandable – it’s counterintuitive! But if you’re being honest with yourself, you are probably exhausted. You may feel that letting go even a little will lead you to become hopelessly mediocre. But I promise it won’t. Achievement is in your nature – you won’t ever fade into the background even if you decrease your effort. And imagine how free and light you could feel if you set down some of these burdens:
1. Other People’s Expectations and Values
The Enneagram 3 is highly attuned to what is desirable according to their family, community, or society. Some families value academic achievement. A Type 3 in that environment may earn a PhD and publish countless papers. Those from a family that values money may go into a lucrative field with a high salary – and the house, car, and other status symbols that go with it. Others may value social status, and a Type 3 raised this way may focus on social climbing – “marrying up,” establishing themselves in elite circles, and hosting elaborate gatherings full of famous names. And sometimes it’s as simple as parents instilling in their Type 3 child that being a doctor is a “good” profession. The 3 will spend years studying in order to complete medical school and establish a practice, when really, they have no interest in medicine.
The common thread here is that the Enneagram 3’s life choices are based on the values and expectations of others. Many Type 3s will admit that they aren’t even sure what they want. Until they discover the Enneagram and start doing personal development work, they never asked themselves that question.
As an Enneagram 3, you’ll benefit immensely from digging deep and figuring out what your values are. But in order to do that, you need to let go of others’ values. Your mind has become cluttered with all kinds of messages from outside about what kind of person is valuable and what success looks like. Your unique definition of success is buried under all this clutter. Clearing the clutter will make space for you to find it.
2. Your Persona
“Persona” refers to the face you show to others – your public image. Everyone’s persona is a bit “fake” – it’s not an authentic representation of ourselves. However, Enneagram 3s’ persona can become so powerful that it drowns out your authentic self to the point where even you can’t see it.
If you’re a Type 3, setting down your persona will be a struggle. Your persona is immensely important to you – more important than your true self. That’s because it’s the identity that others see, and, as we discussed above, that’s what matters most to you.
However, the effort of maintaining this false image is weighing you down. On some level, you know it’s not real. And that leaves you with a feeling of inauthenticity and a fear that the mask may slip if you don’t keep up constant effort. And the burden of those feelings is heavy.
Letting the persona slip a bit is a fantastic exercise to try. What will shock you is how little it matters. While you’ve been working yourself to exhaustion to gain validation from others, ironically, others will like you more when you’re genuine. And once you witness that for yourself, you’ll gradually be able to let go of the mask more and more. This will free you let your real self shine through.
3. The Pressure to Achieve
Everything I’ve said so far about the Type 3 describes a person who is under immense pressure to perform at all times. For many Enneagram 3s, this pressure initially came from their families during childhood. Their parents may have pushed them to perform, and when they did, they found that they loved the attention and the thrill of winning. As an adult though, you are putting this pressure on yourself.
The unfortunate side effect of earning an achievement is the pressure to continue to achieve, or even to one-up yourself. By middle age, for example, instead of feeling like you can rest on your laurels, you may ironically feel even more pressure to keep up your image.
What if you let go of some of the pressure? If you allowed yourself a break and didn’t exceed your sales targets, or publish a paper, or make “top whatever” list this year? The thought may fill you with dread. But if you tried it out, you may realize that you enjoy the year of rest and relaxation more than you enjoyed the momentary thrill of recognition.
4. Pursuits that Aren’t Authentic to You
As described above, an Enneagram 3 will tend to take on activities and even careers that others consider valuable. They may or may not actually find any joy or satisfaction in the activities themselves. Think of a parent who pushes a child to succeed at the piano. This child may gain immense skill and rack up tons of ribbons and trophies by their teen years. But this means they’re spending hours a day practicing an instrument that they don’t even particularly like. A more extreme example may be an adult who puts years of hard work into law school and building a career as a lawyer when they actually have very little interest in the law.
While all this effort can get you validation in the form of admiration, money, and accolades, it’s sad to think that you could spend so many hours of your life on an activity that doesn’t truly interest you or bring you joy.
So, what are those things for you? Is there an activity you secretly dread but feel you have to keep up for appearances? Or did you find that the career you’ve pursued thus far is on the list of things that don’t really light you up? It’s scary to confront those things. But recognizing them and consciously letting them go will provide you the freedom and space to explore what might actually fulfill you. Even if you don’t know right now what you would replace these activities with, I encourage you to start clearing this clutter from your schedule. Once you clear it out the “noise,” you’ll be able to see clearly what truly matters to you.
What Do You Think?
Are you an Enneagram 3 or do you have a loved one who is? What are your experiences with this psychic “clutter”? Do you agree that it would be worthwhile to let it go? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
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